Beyond eternity!

Will melt myself,
in your arms.
like does the sun,
during the dawn.
Sometimes mild,
most of the time warm.
.
Have me inside,
as does that sky
and will spread all over you
drop by drop, till i fade white.
.
Would still wanna hide,
in beneath and will,
even if both the sun
the sky stops to exsist.
.
Tell me my divine,
you'd never stop embracing me,
And that eternity will just be a pass by?

I beg a for forgiveness from myself to me .

You know what else i feel bad about, the fact I thought that I loved you. But the more I realize now that it was not love the more I feel suffocated, and drenched. Of all the beauty that you could see there you chose to remind me how I should behave and that there were particular boundaries to my wings. It's not that I hate you now. I just, will never be able to forgive myself for being in a dalima for so long. No, a life time or nine won't be enough to forget or forgive myself for the sufferings i've caused me or that I am facing right now, after realizing that my life has been a lie for so long Forgiving others is a easy thing to do, at least for me but forgiving myself for the miseries i put me through in terms of emotions and feelings is gonna haunt me more and more as time will pass by. But i don't complain. May be it was you who loved me and later on you could not accept my flaws and that's okay but it was not okay when you should have left straight away and you didn't. You kept me there, you saw me suffering and crying but watched it all happen and then when I should  have known it, I didn’t. I chose to remain ignorant. I still don't know anything for sure. All I am doing is going by my instinct. I have a strong instinct of how others, specially the one I'm attached to feels and thinks  about me. I could be wrong but the vibes that I get if I've hurt someone is so strong that I could melt and now Imagine the heat i feel for having hurt myself.

Days to decades!

When things seem too difficult,
Nothing is in your favour.
When the moon becomes dull,
And you stop caring whether the days dawn with the sun.

Your life goes through sudden crashes,
You barely have courage to overcome those losses.

When dreams split into ashes,
You are not in a condition to collect those small pieces.
When the stars start losing it's brightness,
And the sky becomes lifeless.

You don't get what you desire,
Only to find yourself stop wishing higher.
When days turn into decades in grief,
You have no hope of relief.
Your flower doesn't reach its destination,
And you end up losing your trust over luck in hypertention.

You are left alone,
With none to help you out anymore.
When all these evidence occur in a series connection,
Try to think it all as a coincidence.

Never run out of wit.
And never let the kid inside you take a leap.

Trust me for then my love,
The moon will again be bright,
Stars full of light.
Branches decorated with flowers,
And life full of colors.

~Arunima
14/05/2010

PS- wish I could be as optimistic as 16 years old me was. Well still trying to take a lesson.

This is the closest I have been for a play at 2:31 am in the morning.

Foreplay with you...
You somehow managed to break in the cage. You came close...
Then closer.
Rubbed me first, Carresed me.
Tried to held me, which led me turn first backward and then again front.
Finding the most erotic part of me, You kissed me softly.
And that happened to wake me up from my deepest sleep.
I was so lazy that I ignored your touch so may times to wake up fully.
And then you left me but no choice to wake up and join you.
I turned the bed light on.
You hiding here and there.
Me finding you everywhere.
It kinda irritated me.
I finally, I spotted you.
Awwwww... Hhhhhh.
I lost you again.
Honey there you are.
Baby come to me.
Come close and stop playing and messing.
I need you now so that I can sleep again
for rest of my night.
There you are. Eeee eeee...... Missed you again.
You left me no choice but to clap you down, dead.
I was sorry but at same time so sleepy zzzzzzz....... Zzzh
May your soul rest in peace, said.
And went back to sleep.

When Nostalgia is what you are left with.

Whenever I get time I choose to take a nap over everything. Yes almost everything.
I've been through a phase not so long ago when I was not sleeping like I  used.
God that were the most painful days.
                        I used to get up several times at night. Noon sleeps were almost at bay.
There have been nights when I used to fear whether i'll be ever able to sleep like I used to. Not to forget a touchwood now that I'm getting myself back.
Well one could say there were several reasons to it.
                        I was between rough times and also was to take important decisions.
It works like this, I usually take an afternoon nap, get up and spill out the words in my mind. That's the time, mostly evenings when my eloquence is at best. I can express my mind just like that.
Now one can say why I don't do it when I get in the mornings and to tell you the truth I don't know why my sleep is never sufficiant when the sun dawns. At that time no matter how late I happen to wake up, all I feel is more and more and  sleep. God knows how much strength I put in waking up in mornings,only to put the alarm at snizz for 10 minutes and then again for 10 minutes and the cycle goes on untill I'm too late. My mind doesn't work at all.
                  Apart from that I'm mostly into poems and in the mornings my heart and soul has definitely got be missing somewhere.
Returning to what I was saying I was once so scared in life that I thought I was at verge of end. I thought  I had felt all, love and hatred to be precise. Did I miss something?  Well that's not all one feels on earth but mind you i've mentioned the word precise!
                         I thought I would never feel anything anymore and I was right to much an extent but than when you don't have anything more in life nostalgia is all you are left with.
              Speaking of which, my nostalgia is at its hight when I am up from afternoon nap,during the dusk. However, I'm too lazy to gaze upon arunima during the dawn but I try never to miss the rays of the dusk. It keeps my soul alive and heart breathing. And that's how I spill out the writer in me. Well mostly!

In a dream with an open eye!

Ever heard my soul's yell and cry?
It is in a lack of clear sight.
Blinded by thy brightness,
foolish enough to feel thou close by!
I am but,
In a dream with an open eye!

You have been like morphine all this time.
Or should one say more of a methamphetamine?
All I know for sure is, it ain't a lie!
Mending the kite, letting my heart fly.
I am but,
In a dream with an open eye!

Each dawn of mine,I gaze upon thy sky.
My dusk is nothing but thou saying goodbye.
Every single drop of thee attention,
makes me go more and more high.
I am but,
In a dream with an open eye!

What I feel for thee, is beyond elucidation.
Yet tussling to render my devotion,  in every possible way, I infer,
thou core demands!

Neither can I accept nor can I deny,
Yet never bothered myself to ask why?
Inspite dying each moment that passes by!
I am but,
In a dream with an open eye!

A poor baby inside me cries!

Oh time !
Tell me, what would you have asked ,
to stop exactly when the baby inside me cried.
And how unbearable was your justice,
You did hurt an nonplused innocent,
Who have had no practice.
Tell me why didn't things change so frequently,
Why after so long my love disappeared instantly.
When I didn't know how important,
I was to someone.
And now that I know,
I am hardly anyone.
No one knows nor can I explain, how hard,
every moment I die.
And I'm definitely not strong enough to speak a lie.
Yes,
a poor baby inside me cries.

Once I judged a man wrong. Once!

I am very specific when it comes to choose people I care about.
It really does not matter to me whether they care back or not.
I've never been wrong, upon judging a person wrong but once.
Judging someone is not one my favourite hobbies though but I love to do it when I am   to  give someone a place in my heart.
I have strong instinct of finding out whether I'm gonna love that person or not. It really isn't a matter whether that person is gonna like me or not or even give me a place in his heart back. He just have to be kind a person and ofcourse a person of my choice. The list  of qualities is bit weird though but that's how it is.

Sometimes I can make it out at once  that he/she is a person of my choice and I'm gonna love him/her my whole life.
I've never regreted my choice till date.
Only once I happened to have crush on this guy, who I often used to talk.
Proper attitude is the first thing I look for a person if I'm to be involved in a conversation with.
So, coming back to my wrong judgment which happened few months back. It turned out that he was not even kind to care if I was alive or dead. That much you even do to strangers if you find out that something is wrong with him/her just for sake of it.
"If that's what they say is expectations, then yes I do expect at least this much from a person that are known to me otherwise who gives a damn whether you care or not"!
It turned out that he didn't even leave me text even when we shared phone contacts that to once we were into a lot of conversation. I agree that most of the time it was me who pinged him, which was obvious as I had a crush on him since college and I never expected anything but just a bit of kindness, as I presumed he had some humanity in him which was the first reason I thought, I fell for him.
And one fine day(today), I've decided that I was completely wrong. Now I judge him as an proper, so called jerk.
Mind you, I don't even give that title too, often too. Only a few lucky one's get that from me. I have a few people I love and almost none who I hate or be jealous of. If you are among those tinni tinny number, you should be glad. I can bet on that.

You are nowhere...!

Your presence makes me live all again.
All my efforts to avoid you, goes in vain.
.
No moment passes without your existence.
Your ignorance for even a second, makes me loose all my patience.
.
Something deep inside my heart says you are there,
Despite knowing very well that you are nowhere...
.
Why do you want me to be left up with nothing.
Do you find pleasure, to leave my soul struggling.
.
I'm fed up of pretending, when things are just not fine.
Is this your dare or all the faults are mine,to believe...
You are there,despite knowing very well that you are nowhere.

There was time when I used to breathe you.
My ears were desperate to listen you.
You were all that I needed to be glad.
when I woke up in the evenings.
.
You were there, when I showed my love.
And then to care, how much I hated you.
.
All is the same,
I still want you to be there,
May be even more.
.
But the only difference is,
Now you are nowhere.

... forgot to build the road before getting lost!

Is it possible that everything is true.
Me in the verge of end.
I'm barely thinking of how much my presence is gonna matter.
Is it over?
Have done all.
Have I felt all.
Scary thing, nothing is left to discover anymore from hatred to love.
If only dieing was easy enough.
“Literally dieing might be difficult“.
But I'm already broke now, from within.
May be thats what they say, “it's a part of being grown up“.

Scariest part is I'm not afraid, not afraid of letting the kid in me leave.
.
My life is stuck somewhere.
Nothingness is all I have.
All is so messed up that I don't even know how to express how I feel.
Or even discover anymore what hurts.
It has become so bad that I'm looking for escapism.
Im lost without building a road back!

Lucky me.

Did something to find out how lost a follower is when he likes or comments to one of his favourite celebrity.

I accepted all the pending requests on facebook today and still doing it... I'm tired but i'll accept all of it.

The sad part is, I found out that it is almost impossible to interact with each one of them.
Not because they deliberately do it but they have no choice.
So difficult it is to read how each and everyone reacts  about your feeling and thoughts except the few lucky ones.

You can't answer to everyone or like or reply to them.
Now I understand how a celeb thing on social media goes,at least 0.1% of it.

After going through all this, today I found out there's nothing much you can do.
How poor this notification thing turns out to be on just a little large scale.

P. S. : I uninstalled my messenger today. I'm really sorry to all of you whose call  I couldn't attend or the message I couldn't reply to. But you all will be my friends and I'll try to interact with you all as much as possible.

An inning of memories with cricket.

Going back to my memories, whenever there was a cricket tournament going on it would irritate me a lot. (specially if it were a Sunday, because I didn't get to watch my favorite tv show) 
      It wasn't like I hated cricket or something but I was too young to understand even the simplest of the rules.
Not having much choice I however would sometimes sit with everyone and watch it. One day my father asked me if I did understand it, and I don't know how come I was able to say at least this much that there were six balls in an over and there were total of fifty overs.
After that I started watching it regularly and that was when Dhoni was new. He had just entered  his golden period of his games. I found his innings awesome with Yuvraj. I have many of his century days all learned up.
By that time I was all into cricket.
I understood the rules, not all of them but most of it, just enough, in order to enjoy it.
    One of my classmates during that time was a big fan of Dhoni. She was all like, I want to marry him and stuff. She always used to correct me pronounce it 'dhwoni' and not 'dhuni':D. Not just her, all of a sudden that whole school time was all about cricket.
All know what Dhoni has given to the Indian cricket since then. I like his smile. He seldom does have a reaction in his face but when he does that, its so nice to watch him:)
I remember it was my boards the other day and I watched the world cup the whole time. It was legendary to watch India win.
Then his contributions to 20-20 cricket format is well known to all. I however didn't watch test cricket very much though still want to thank him for everything he has given to India as player and most importantly as a captain.
I however watch less cricket as compared to before.
I have had my crush on players of which most of them are retired now like Andrew Flintoff, Daniel Vettori, Brett Lee and the list goes on./*I have news paper cuttings of articles and some awesome pics collected in my old diary;) */

We are lucky to have witnessed legends like Sachin Dendulkar play and Indian team winning world cup of which Mahendra Singh Dhoni was an incredible part of and lot lot more.

P. S. :  I wish to see Dhoni play more and more. His quitting captaincy from all formats now is really heartbreaking though he is a man with right decisions at the right time and I welcome it.

figuring out fate...

Now when I start writing this, I truly believe in something called fate.
What I passed through in the couple of months has nothing to do with any of you reading this but then, I assure you it will make more and more sense to you as I go on...
Watch carefully if you have passed through this phase of life and more carefully if you haven't because it will surely help.
        All I want you to do is  not  to judge me untill I complete this.
There will be times in your life when you won't know what is it  with everything going wrong.
You'll barely have any idea what your life is heading to.
It will make you want something so much that you could have never imagined of or better say wished having before.
Somehow or the other way you'll be where you don't even agree at all, that you belong there.
You'll have to accept things the way they are.
You won't have anyone's shoulder to cry on.
You'll have to act in a particular manner, you won't t have a choice either.
That my friend is how I'm definining destiny or fate.
        My perception about it has changed so much that I can write a book on it,but then I too won't have patience to go through it, forget about others.
So lets not divert from the topic in which I imphasised fate so much.
yes I do believe it.
But then again wait, even after going all through this your faith in karma should still remain the same. Sooner or later fate will bow before it. Keep on doing the right things.Have patience before karma pays you back, because as they say all good to them those who wait. I am waiting too...